CHUYỆN CƯỜI BẰNG TIẾNG ANH

CHUYỆN CƯỜI BẰNG TIẾNG ANH

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TIẾNG ANH KINH DỊ
Hai vợ chồng Vịêt Kìêu cãi nhau: 
- "You are poor as torn spinach two table hand white" ( -"Anh nghèo rách mồng tơi hai bàn tay trắng").
 -  " I don't want salad with you" (-"Tui không muốn cãi với cô!") ... Sugar you you go, sugar me me go! (Đường cô cô đi, đường tôi tôi đi!)
- You think you tasty? (Anh nghĩ anh ngon lắm hả?) 
- I love toilet you dumb mouth! (Tôi yêu cầu cô câm mồm) 
- You live a place monkey cough, flamingo crow. Clothes house country! (Anh sống ở nơi khỉ ho cò gáy. Đồ nhà quê)
- You onion summer me three down seven up. No enough already listen (Cô hành hạ tôi ba chìm bảy nổi. Thôi đủ rồi nghe!) 

FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' 

DATE

A guy went up to his father saying:

"Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: That's great son. Who is it?

Son: It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter.

Father: Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something

son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.. Sandra is actually

your sister.

The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, and indeed, a couple

of months later ...

Son: Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!

Father: That's great son. Who is it?

Son: It's Angela, The other neighbor's daughter.

Father: Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to

his mother crying.

Son: Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't

date any of them because dad is their father!

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father".

A ROMANTIC MESSAGE

He sent a romantic message to the girl that he' s in love :

My love, 

If you' re sleeping , send me your dreams.

If you' re smiling , send me your smile.

If you' re crying , send me your tears.

I love you ...

* She replied :

I' m in the toilet now ... Not in bed !

What do I send for you ????

ADULT JOKES
Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?
Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!!

An old man married a young girl. On the wedding night he showed five fingers to his wife.

Young girl : Ooh.. Darling! 5 times?
Old man : No dear, choose which one you prefer to start with.

Question: What is the smallest hotel  in the world?

Answer: It's Vagina Inn. Because it can only accommodate 1 standing occupant and 2 pieces of baggage outside!

2 prostitutes were in a taxi, on their way home after "work".

Bitch 1 : I smell sperm!
Bitch 2 : Sorry, I burped!!!

What is the similarity between a swimming pool and a wife?

For both, we pay high maintenance for the little time we spend in them.

Love is a complicated piece of machinery.

Sometimes, all you need is a good screw to fix it.

What's the difference between biology and sociology?

When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Dracula asked God, "May I be reincarnated as a white angel with wings and still suck blood?"

God said, "Okay" and Poof! Dracula turned into a sanitary pad".

Man went to the chemist to buy 1/4 of a Viagra.

Chemist said "It would be useless."
Man said, "I am 90, sex is out of question, I just want to stop peeing on my shoes".

GARAGE DOOR

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. 

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' 

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini-van with two flat tires..

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA 

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. 

The son said, "I don't think you should  take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." 

"How much?" asked Grandpa. 

"$10. a pill," Answered the son. 

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." 

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. 

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!" 

INTERVIEW

An Arabian was interviewed at the US Embassy. 

- Consul: What is your name? 

- Arab. : Abdul Aziz 

- Consul: Sex? 

- Arab.: Six to twelve times a week. 

- Consul: I mean, Male or female? 

- Arab.: Both male and female, sometimes even camels. 

- Consul: Holy cow! 

- Arab.: Yes, cows and dogs too. 

- Consul: Man, isn't it hostile? 

- Arab.: Horse style, dog style, any style. 

- Consul: Oh dear! 

- Arab.: Deer? No deer, they run too fast.

THREE CONTRACTORS

Three contractors are bidding to fix a leaking water heater at the White House.  

One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota

All three go with a White House official to examine the water heater.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,

then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job

will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit

for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,

"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100

profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the

White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other

guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we

hire the guy from Tennessee to replace the water heater."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan works.